A Measure for Big People
My family and friends love me.
They love me so much that sometimes they don’t realize the hurtful things they’re saying and, because I’m so open about talking about my size (just no numbers in person, please!) I think they forget that we’re still talking about, well, my size.
I’ve noticed that in various situations, I’ve become the measurement of how big someone else is. It’s always referenced to complete strangers and they’re always female. The gender part is the only silver lining to this story since I don’t want to be compared to men, my pride can only take so much!
I know this sounds mean to the strangers that are the subject of these conversations, but I’m the one who actually has to hear it and it’s a bit frustrating.
Here are some examples:
"Yeah, she was really big. She was almost as big as Carolyn."
"Wow Carolyn, you actually look small next to her…”
"You’re probably just about as big as that girl over there."
I think that’s enough.
Why is it that just because I’m bigger than most other people, I have to be compared to every other big person that walks by? Why am I a measurement for how large other people are?
Realistically, none of this is done with any negative connotations (if you can believe it) and I actually wonder if I’ve brought this on myself by being so open about being a big girl.
If I were thin, would my body still be the scale of how someone else’s body is? And what are the units of measurement here? Is it from thin to heavy to Carolyn to planet sized? That’s certainly how it feels.
Not only is this rude to strangers, but it’s rude to me. I’ve started making myself very clear that this is crossing the line and I hope my friends and family understand why I’m putting my foot down. This isn’t about being sensitive, it’s about still being human (even with all the extra pounds, I do still have feelings!) and I don’t like to be compared to others….
Unless you want to tell me I’m beautiful just like Mila Kunis and have a butt similar to Kim Kardashian’s. Then we can talk!
A Good Use for a Bad Mood
I’ve been out of it for awhile. I’d like to tell you it’s been just a little while, but its been an ongoing roller coaster of ups and downs for about a year.
It’s also why I haven’t lost any real weight in a year. Just up and down with the same 15 pounds. No more, no less.
The other day, I was in a particularly bad mood. I woke up thinking about my weight, how I should be in grad school now halfway towards a dual degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology, and how my work schedule is making my life impossible. I don’t want to think that I took off time from school and all I did was work. I was irritated and everyone was in my way.
Luckily for me, I had an appointment to meet up with my trainer, Mia. I didn’t tell her about my miserable outlook of the day, I just wanted to work it out (literally).
Well, we did, and afterward, it’s like my whole outlook changed. I don’t know what happened, but I’m ecstatic that it did.
I’m not in school now, but I will be soon, and I’ll be going for a degree that will make me much happier than IO Psychology.
I’m the only reason I haven’t lost weight and my mind set needs to change. I need to go back to keeping a physical food journal and I need to stop neglecting the gym. My legs may still be vibrating, but that’s what the stationary bike is for.
Work is work. It isn’t forever and I’m lucky to have a simple job. If my schedule continues this way, I may try to move on. I’m certainly not chained to this position.
It’s almost like I stopped loving myself. I stopped cleaning my room, stopped cooking, and just stopped caring. Well, I’m happy to say that things seem to be turning around. Nothing has changed except for my attitude, but that’s enough for me.
I’ve been keeping a food journal and I’m doing a weekly weigh in for today.
Friday, November 8th 2013: 300.0 lbs
Total Pounds lost: 57.4
I’ve been too upset with myself to post that, but I’m done being ashamed. We all have set backs. Now it’s time to get up from it.
I will be resuming my normal THURSDAY weigh in’s on November 14th. No matter what the scale says.
I’ve been working overtime. Double overtime. I’m trying to get my ducks in a row and figure out how to make everything work. I need a clear plan, a trajectory of where to go next.
My weight isn’t budging. Probably because I’ve only been giving 50%. I’m usually the person to say ‘just get it done’ but for some reason it feels almost impossible this time.
I need to clear my head. To figure out how to make this all work. I don’t know why dieting used to feel so easy before. Maybe it’s because I have the craziest work schedule of life. More likely, I feel like something is holding me back. I make bad decisions for no reason and I need to figure out what’s bugging me.
Regardless, this too shall pass. Never give up.
Nothing Real To Say
I have no words. No excuses, no reasons, no alibis, no apologies, no nothing. I can’t seem to get myself together and its simply disappointing. I know I want this. I know I NEED this. I know I will die if I don’t do this. So why is it so damn hard? Does everyone go through this?
Over the last two years I’ve told myself ‘why not me?’ almost every day. Someone has to be successful, only I can hold myself back from that. This quote is basically just the longer version of my personal mantra, love it!
(Source: rippedbeast, via 155to130lbs)
Diagnosiversary Year IIII
Every year on the anniversary of my diagnosis, my thoughts consume me. I’m flooded with memories of hearing the bad news from my neurologist.
“After reviewing your MRI, it’s clear you have Multiple Sclerosis. We want to get you started on medication immediately. Do you have any questions?”
My stomach still turns now the way it did then. The way it did when I spent all night (every night) researching MS, reading page after page about this degenerative disease, the way I cried in my mom’s arms when she flew to Boston to be with me, the way I felt when I stepped on the scale and realized that my denial and depression had left me weighing over 350 pounds.
I started this blog because I wanted more out of my disease. If I’m going to be forced to have an incurable illness, I’m going to make the best of it. I’m tired of reading the negative posts that embody most of the MS forums online. I’m not having it. I have MS and it SUCKS, but I’m still smiling and I’ll do everything in my power to make the best out of this tough situation.
I always think that having MS makes me seem weak. I never want people to know because I want to be looked at as a strong and impressive woman…but it’s finally dawning on me that my positive outlook and determination to make the best out of my situation makes me stronger than I ever could have imagined.
Over the past year, I’ve made incredible strides in my journey. My weight loss has stalled all year, but I haven’t given up. If anything, the last year has been full of incredible opportunities.
Every year I like to celebrate my diagnosiversary. It’s the day that led me to finally get on medication for the random symptoms that bothered me. It’s the kick in the pants I needed to start working on my health and losing weight. It’s the day that led me to realize my passion for getting fit and connecting with others who want to do the same.
The last year has been filled with a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, and a lot of laughs. I only wish I had pictures of some of my most treasured relationships in the North East, California, and Peru, but sometimes the people that keep you truly sane are only a phone or skype call away.
Regardless, I’d like to show you what another year looks like from the perspective of a girl trying to get fit while struggling with Multiple Sclerosis.
I made sure to stay connected to old and wonderful friends…
…and I made a lot of new ones…
…I got a full time job (and I do it well)…
…but I also continued with my passion and began volunteering with the MS Society of South Florida…
…I had my hard days….but I kept a smile on my face…
…my wonderful family helped to keep me positive during my hardest times…
…and most importantly, I kept my fitness a top priority, basically living at the gym and fitting into my first size 16 in years!
In the last year I’ve become almost fully independent, I’ve gone on vacation with one of my best friends, I’ve gotten my own first car, I’ve dominated at the gym, I’ve begun motivational speaking and volunteering, and I’ve continued this blog. Things may not always go the way I want or as quickly as I want them too, but I’m moving closer to the future that I want. I look forward to all the exciting endeavors that will come over the next year. Happy diagnosiversary to me, celebrating the absolutely incredible, blessed life that I get to live every single day.
As always, thanks for reading! Cheers!
Putting the Pieces Together
I’ve been all over the place the last couple of months (okay, let’s be realistic, more like the past year) and I feel so unorganized. I feel like I keep trying to get back on track but I just can’t seem to get it together. Well, only I can change the things I don’t like in my life and procrastinating is only taking me in circles. I finally feel completely ready to get back on the horse and make changes.
I already work full time and my social life is certainly not lacking. My weight has been at a standstill (for about a year, I know, time flies) and my MS is still not in control. My neurologist now thinks I should be doing an hour at the gym everyday (yup. everyday!) to try and stifle any further exacerbations. Considering the fact that I had to take a week off work (unpaid) last week due to a relapse, I’m not completely against the everyday idea. I’m not planning on starting until I get feeling back in my feet, but I’m already thinking of fun ways to mix it up. There is no way I can do an hour on the treadmill everyday for the rest of my life. Nope.
Diet wise, I’ve been… completely failing. Since I could barely stand, I couldn’t weigh myself, cook, or even wait in line to pick something up. My legs felt like they were vibrating and on fire and I constantly looked like I had to pee really really bad (you all know that cross-legged uncomfortable look). Attractive, I know. Now, the vibrations have boiled down to just my feet and I’m still waiting for that to subside.
The relapse was a shock to my system. As soon as I felt comfortable, I jumped back on phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. I’m tired of not feeling well. I’m tired of being big. Most of all, I’m tired of feeling tired.
I don’t want to be a failure. I set myself up to lose weight, and I plan on doing just that. I’ve come a long way and I don’t want to turn back now. My overall happiness, health, ability, and future depends heavily on my taking care of myself now. I’m hoping that I can weigh myself by this Thursday (my weekly weigh in has been more like monthly weigh in) and I’m ready to get serious.
Shouldn’t we be Instagram friends?
Weekly Weigh In (Thursday 9-5-13)
Thursday, September 5th: 297.2 Pounds lost this week: 0.6
Total Pounds lost: 60.2
Feeling great about this! Considering the fact that I haven’t been able to feel my toes in weeks, I’ve been working non stop, and I’m keeping on top of all my personal stuff, this is awesome! Anything lost is better than something gained!
Goal for next week: 295.0
Weekly Weigh In (Thursday 8/22/13)
Thursday, August 22nd: 297.8
Pounds lost this week: 1.2
Total Pounds lost: 59.6
I really think things are going to get better moving forward. I’m feeling much more optimistic!