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My Biggest Bully

There are a lot of things about myself that I simply don’t like. I think about my flaws for a good portion of my day and I’m constantly pining for change.

I like to think everyone thinks that way, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I just wish things were different.

I wish I was thinner, and that I didn’t have MS. It bothers me that I haven’t travelled more and that I haven’t gone to grad school yet. I think about how much I hate my thighs/arms/stomach and will go to great lengths to hide them. I think my freckles are extremely unattractive. I hate how unorganized I am and that my room is always messy. It’s a never ending obsession and I just can’t get my brain to stop bullying me.

One thing that’s always stuck with me is how much I hate the way I look when I laugh. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s true. I used to see commercials where people would look so beautiful when they laughed that I would try to practice it in the mirror (well, this is embarrassing), but no matter how hard I tried, my natural laugh always took over in the moment. Recently, I was out for dinner and drinks with a group of friends and my brother snapped a picture of me mid laugh and posted it on Facebook before I had a chance to delete it.

Before I knew it, that picture had more likes than any other picture I have on Facebook. People were posting “Wow, you look great!” and “Gorgeous!”. Even though I’m still not thrilled with the way I look when I’m laughing, clearly this is all perspective and that makes me wonder if everything else I’ve been worrying about is also my own perspective with a negative twist.

I don’t need to love everything about myself because then, I wouldn’t have the drive to achieve more. I want the most for myself and, bottom line, I love myself more than anyone else. I want to try to see the things that bother me as opportunities to better myself. I want to love every aspect of myself and mold who I am into who I deserve to be. For now, I’ll recognize when I’m picking on myself, but then I have to let it go. I can only be who I am in this moment and who knows, maybe most of the people I know really love that part about me.

I guess I’ll have to worry less and laugh more…even if I wish I had a prettier laugh, a genuine laugh is apparently far more attractive.

I haven’t updated in over a week, which is odd because I have so much to say. A lot is happening, so I’ll give you the bullet points to spare you from another one of my famous long posts.

I’ve been maintaining my weight for the last two weigh ins at 289.2, it went down to 289.0 and then up to 289.6, but overall its just been hovering for now and thats perfectly fine with me.

I’m moving. I have no idea where I’m going to live or if I’m going to even stay in Miami. I’m torn between my options, but luckily, I have about 2 months to make up my mind… Realistically, not knowing is driving me mad.

I’ve been going out with friends a lot. A couple times a week at least. I’ve been really good about not overindulging too bad and still enjoying myself. I’m also getting kinda tired of going out all the time so I’m going to scale back. Starting yesterday.

Last, but CERTAINLY not least: I had my year review with my neurologist. The appointment where we go over my MRI and discuss my MS “progress”. Well, turns out, I’M DOING FANTASTIC! My physical came back with no abnormalities and my MRI showed NO new lesions and only 1 active lesion.
Things haven’t been this good health wise since before I was diagnosed. If things continue like this, I like to think I can control my MS more than letting it control me.

In the end, I’ve been pretty happy recently. I’ve been studying non stop for the GRE and trying to solidify where I want to go to grad school. Beyond that I’m still volunteering at least every other week with the MS Society and I’m working non stop. Life has been busy and I couldn’t feel more blessed.

Life is good.

Weekly Weigh In

Thursday, March 14th: 289.2
Pounds lost this week: 3.8

Total Pounds lost: 68.2

Sorry about the late post, I had a family emergency to tend to yesterday so I didn’t have the opportunity to write my weekly weigh in post. This is for yesterday’s weigh in.

I mean, obviously I’m happy! That’s a huge drop and, while I know I can’t expect that every week, it’s nice to see it once in awhile!

I’m so close to being back at 70 pounds. At this point, it’s felt like I’ll never get back there. Finally it seems a little more realistic! I can’t stop now!

Goal for next week: 287.4

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that, even in my hardest times, I try to focus on some sort of silver lining. I struggle with stress management and have focused on maintaining a negative attitude in the past. It wasn’t like I was a real life Daria or anything, but I complained often and was constantly over-stressing my mind, body and spirit.

I like to think I’ve made strides since then. I worked on my self awareness when it came to complaining and on letting go of grudges. I find that if I push for positive energy, it eventually manifests and I can’t help but think more constructive and healthy thoughts.

Just like with my weight over the past year, we all slide back into old habits sometimes, and I’m feeling the ill effects of that now. I’ve had a lot of stress recently and I don’t know how to manage any of it. I’m trying to stay positive, but the universe is testing my patience right now. I find that I’m having more difficulty ever losing weight (I couldn’t even bring myself to get on the scale last week). Not for lack of trying, in fact, this is probably the hardest I’ve ever worked. I know the stress is preventing my weight loss, now I just need to learn how to control my stress!

The last few days I’ve slipped on my diet. As a result, my body HURTS. My legs feel heavy, my head aches, I’m tired, my ribcage hurts, and my back is tight. Because of the stress, I’ve been clamping down on my jaw at night (and sometimes during the day)…this is probably connected to the headaches now that I think about it. I’ve been treating the symptoms but I know I need to get to the root.

Sometimes I forget that everything is holistic. My body and my brain are connected and just like when I used positive energy to my advantage (hello weight loss, less stress, and less pain!), negative energy will take over my body just the same.

I need to find my way back to a positive place. I don’t know what it is thats stressing me out so much but I better figure it out soon. My ability to a healthy existence depends on it.

Never Stop Sweating

Living in the gym. All this hard work has to pay off eventually…I’ve never worked so hard on my weight in my life. It has to start coming off eventually.

I will be my own inspiration.

[See this original post and more at: WithoutTheWeight!]

Thursday, January 30th: 293.0
Pounds lost this week: 1.4
Total Pounds lost: 64.4

Ok. So this week was better than the last two combined. I’m not hitting my little weekly goals, but I don’t actually know where I pull those mini goals from, so, I’m trying to stay positive. Realistically, I lost just about a pound and a half this week. Things are getting better and before you (or I) know it, I’ll be back to being 70 pounds down and then I’ll officially be back on track. All I can do is keep going and try not to get frustrated.

On a VERY positive note, I’ve hit my exercise goals every single week in January! I exercised five times last week…going for six this week! In case you’re curious, it’s two days of strength training and the rest is 30 minutes of cardio. I’m hoping to do cardio five days a week with two days of strength training, I just figured I’d build up to it instead of overloading myself all at once. So far, it’s been pretty simple.

Goal for next week: 291.0

Thursday, January 23rd: 294.4
Pounds lost this week: 0.4
Total Pounds lost: 63

I can’t tell you how irritated I’ve been this week. I’ve been working my butt off, in the kitchen and in the gym, and all through the week my weight was slowly increasing (all the way back up to 296.8!). I kept looking myself in the mirror and giving myself my best pep talk. It will all fall off, don’t stop, I promise, it will fall off.

Of course, I know when I’m bullshitting myself and I was upset. I keep a myfitnesspal, but I depend more on my hand written food journal. Mostly because I also keep track of my medications and when I use the bathroom (this is more important than you may think!), so, my written journal is my life line to losing weight.

I went back and decided to see what was consistent this week and what was off. I noticed that I’d gotten in the habit of eating an entire haas avocado everyday in my salad. I decided to take that off the menu and immediately started shedding weight.

So, while .4 lbs doesn’t seem like a lot, I’m just happy to see the scale go down and I’m hoping that next week will be a much bigger loss if I stick to my fitness routine and keep cooking.

Goal for next week: 292.4 (I’m keeping this the same, it’s a 2 lb loss for next week and I don’t see why I should aim for any higher right now).

P.S. - sorry for the late post. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday and spent the entire day sleeping. I’m not complaining, simply explaining.

I decided I just can’t do this on my own. I need to be more diligent about going to my trainer. Forget the money, forget the drive, this is my health and my life. I recognize that I lost most of my weight (okay, all of it) when I was working out with my trainer, Mia, on the power plate, two times a week. 

Despite the fact that I’ve tried dieting and going to the gym for multiple HOURS 5 times a week…I guess my body just craves this particular workout. 

I think because the workout is short (but intense), my body reacts to it better. Once I get overheated, the MS symptoms kick in and there aren’t enough endorphins in the world to make exercise fun once that happens. 

So, I’m back to being serious. I’m back on the South Beach Diet (and doing better in one week than I did all last year) and I’m back to Mia twice a week. This will be worth it. 

Why is getting fit so damn complicated?

I decided I just can’t do this on my own. I need to be more diligent about going to my trainer. Forget the money, forget the drive, this is my health and my life. I recognize that I lost most of my weight (okay, all of it) when I was working out with my trainer, Mia, on the power plate, two times a week.

Despite the fact that I’ve tried dieting and going to the gym for multiple HOURS 5 times a week…I guess my body just craves this particular workout.

I think because the workout is short (but intense), my body reacts to it better. Once I get overheated, the MS symptoms kick in and there aren’t enough endorphins in the world to make exercise fun once that happens.

So, I’m back to being serious. I’m back on the South Beach Diet (and doing better in one week than I did all last year) and I’m back to Mia twice a week. This will be worth it.

Why is getting fit so damn complicated?

A Measure for Big People

My family and friends love me.

They love me so much that sometimes they don’t realize the hurtful things they’re saying and, because I’m so open about talking about my size (just no numbers in person, please!) I think they forget that we’re still talking about, well, my size.

I’ve noticed that in various situations, I’ve become the measurement of how big someone else is. It’s always referenced to complete strangers and they’re always female. The gender part is the only silver lining to this story since I don’t want to be compared to men, my pride can only take so much!

I know this sounds mean to the strangers that are the subject of these conversations, but I’m the one who actually has to hear it and it’s a bit frustrating.

Here are some examples:

"Yeah, she was really big. She was almost as big as Carolyn."

"Wow Carolyn, you actually look small next to her…”

"You’re probably just about as big as that girl over there."

I think that’s enough.

Why is it that just because I’m bigger than most other people, I have to be compared to every other big person that walks by? Why am I a measurement for how large other people are?

Realistically, none of this is done with any negative connotations (if you can believe it) and I actually wonder if I’ve brought this on myself by being so open about being a big girl.

If I were thin, would my body still be the scale of how someone else’s body is? And what are the units of measurement here? Is it from thin to heavy to Carolyn to planet sized? That’s certainly how it feels.

Not only is this rude to strangers, but it’s rude to me. I’ve started making myself very clear that this is crossing the line and I hope my friends and family understand why I’m putting my foot down. This isn’t about being sensitive, it’s about still being human (even with all the extra pounds, I do still have feelings!) and I don’t like to be compared to others….

Unless you want to tell me I’m beautiful just like Mila Kunis and have a butt similar to Kim Kardashian’s. Then we can talk!

A Good Use for a Bad Mood

I’ve been out of it for awhile. I’d like to tell you it’s been just a little while, but its been an ongoing roller coaster of ups and downs for about a year.

It’s also why I haven’t lost any real weight in a year. Just up and down with the same 15 pounds. No more, no less.

The other day, I was in a particularly bad mood. I woke up thinking about my weight, how I should be in grad school now halfway towards a dual degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology, and how my work schedule is making my life impossible. I don’t want to think that I took off time from school and all I did was work. I was irritated and everyone was in my way.

Luckily for me, I had an appointment to meet up with my trainer, Mia. I didn’t tell her about my miserable outlook of the day, I just wanted to work it out (literally).

Well, we did, and afterward, it’s like my whole outlook changed. I don’t know what happened, but I’m ecstatic that it did.

I’m not in school now, but I will be soon, and I’ll be going for a degree that will make me much happier than IO Psychology.

I’m the only reason I haven’t lost weight and my mind set needs to change. I need to go back to keeping a physical food journal and I need to stop neglecting the gym. My legs may still be vibrating, but that’s what the stationary bike is for.

Work is work. It isn’t forever and I’m lucky to have a simple job. If my schedule continues this way, I may try to move on. I’m certainly not chained to this position.

It’s almost like I stopped loving myself. I stopped cleaning my room, stopped cooking, and just stopped caring. Well, I’m happy to say that things seem to be turning around. Nothing has changed except for my attitude, but that’s enough for me.

I’ve been keeping a food journal and I’m doing a weekly weigh in for today.

Friday, November 8th 2013: 300.0 lbs
Total Pounds lost: 57.4

I’ve been too upset with myself to post that, but I’m done being ashamed. We all have set backs. Now it’s time to get up from it.

I will be resuming my normal THURSDAY weigh in’s on November 14th. No matter what the scale says.